“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
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Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.