Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
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me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok