I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
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Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars