Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
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‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
This took me a second..
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
You are what you delete.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like