Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
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Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
motivation
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not