nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
You Might Also Like
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.