Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
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My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
I only treason on days ending in y
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter