The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
You Might Also Like
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Sending in my taxes
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you