When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
You Might Also Like
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs