America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
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just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Many hands make light work
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*