I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
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*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Sharon, call the vet
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.