People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
You Might Also Like
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Me sliding into hell like
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Put a ring on it
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!