The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
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7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok