advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
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My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
another case of gang violins
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?