Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
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This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top