Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
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Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”