My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
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I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Story of my life…..
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Lmao the reply
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
This is my brand.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.