My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
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Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Love this one 😂🧟
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
What?
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.