Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
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Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.