me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
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I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there