In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
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[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I enjoy a good short stor
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.