They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
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[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.