Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
You Might Also Like
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it