A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
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The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.