I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
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if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
🍞🦆
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Autocorrect completely socks
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*