I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
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if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?