‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
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Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”