I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
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Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
I鈥檓 tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if 鈥渨hat’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn鈥檛 found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I鈥檓 glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you鈥檙e sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
I would be awful at debating I鈥檇 be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you鈥檙e a cringe idiot. I mean, it鈥檚 not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
A level of petty I can get with 馃ぃ
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 馃檨
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.