If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
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I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!