Not messing around
You Might Also Like
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!