magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
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coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?