If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
You Might Also Like
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”