They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
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Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role