Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
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Good morning.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I’m giving up for Lent.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.