fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
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What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Finally!
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.