God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
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Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Support your local cemetery
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.