Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
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It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
they split up moments later
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*