Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
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27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.