YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
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This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Me too door. Me too.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
early stone age tool
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.