Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
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Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.