8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
You Might Also Like
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning: