Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
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The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
This meeting could have been a cake
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.