I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
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[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.