I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
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Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…