Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
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Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!