me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
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This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
this could fix me
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.