[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
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It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Love is always patient and kind.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT