I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
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The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Ugh
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.