A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
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“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game