STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
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I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
me linking you to my twitter
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh